Working Mother's Remorse, Part One

I wrote this one the first day of school and never published it. I decided to do so today. Enjoy.

Today I did something I have never done before. I was a stay at home mom. Okay, with the exception of about two hours when I was working in the middle of the day, I functioned as what I see as a stay at home mother. It was the first day of school for my new kindergartener and first grader and I got them up, got them ready, off to school (with some minor hiccups from the youngest, who wanted back in the house and was screaming) and I went home. I didn't go to work. I didn't go to an airport. I didn't do anything but go home. I almost didn't know what to do. It was glorious and it was sad at the same time.

I realized in that moment that my daughters are five and six years old and I have never been a classic "mom" to them. I felt today what so many working mother's feel, whether they are single or not - Working Mother's Remorse. I have capitalized that because I just decided it is an official diagnosis for me. I feel sad that I have not seen some of the first's that my mother has experienced with my daughters. I feel sad that my daughter's spent time in daycare. Although that was a great learning experience for them, I didn't want them to have to go through it. I wanted to teach them some of the things they learned there. I feel sad and a little bitter about the past. I can't change the past at all. For now, I have to support my children. I have to know they have what they need and that they will be able to go to college and they will have food, clothing, shelter and more than that - peace of mind and no worries.

I don't know what will happen in the future. I don't know what will come of the next few years, but I know life doesn't have repeat itself. I know that things can change in the blink of an eye and maybe by this time next year, I can be spending time doing more of the things that matter most to me. Fortunately, I love my job and am passionate about what I do, so it makes the time away worth it. I know that in this time of my life, I have to make some tough decisions, but I rely on God to guide me to the right path.

So today, when the nurse called me at 1:30 and my oldest daughter was sick and had to come home from school, I picked her up. ME. Not anyone else. Not my sister, mother and not even her father. ME. I had the privilege of bringing her home, giving her some TLC, helping her change clothes, making her comfy, putting on a movie and doing all of those things that I have wanted to do when it wasn't always me who could do it. When her sister was ready to get out of school, her father and I met her at the door (yes, the oldest was still in tow) and I was able to take her home, give her cookies after school and talk to her about her first day of school. Bottom line, I had the honor of just being their Mama today. I didn't have to be a Consultant. I didn't have to be a Controller. I was just a Mama. And it was one of the most wonderful days of my life.