Health and Beauty

For those of you who read this and know I am dating someone, you may think I am off kilter, but hear me out.

Single moms go through a myriad of issues, one of which is dealing with health issues on their own. Even if they are dating someone, it isn't that same. That someone does not live with you and does not take care of your children all the time. They do not support you - you still have to make a living on your own and provide with a single family income. Life while you are dating, even if it seems to people on the outside that you "might as well be married," is NOT the same.

So, dealing with major health issues is difficult. It is difficult under the best circumstances, but when you are caring for yourself and small children, it is made more challenging. I have an auto-immune disease and my symptoms can be problematic, both with my occupation and with being a mom.

The last two years have been particularly difficult. After losing considerable weight and feeling better, I hit a wall. When I hit that wall, I suddenly started gaining my weight back and I began feeling my symptoms again. No one can figure it out and I can't seem to stop it from happening. It really hit home last week when I was showing a very close individual a picture of myself from a year ago and they said I looked "different." I look at myself in pictures and I feel down about how far I got and now it is all flying out the window because of something neither my doctors nor I can figure out.

But then it affects me being a mom, employee and friend the most. I feel lazy at times, but I just can't find enough energy to move. I have to ask my closest confidants for help, when that is the opposite of my nature. My kids see a side of me that no mother wants their children to see. My kids see weakness. They see vulnerability. I want them to see strength and that their mother is fully capable. I want them to see the mother I am in my brain - fun, ready to meet the day, etc.

What do I see when I look? Not me. I see BLAH. Just blah. And I want to scream. I just don't see the "me" that is in my brain. I see a modified version of me. It is like I am inside and my limitations won't let me out. I am on a quest. I have to find out what has caused the wall. I am going to shatter it one way or another and I am going to find happiness again. Right?!?!  Hopefully by the time I take pictures at Christmas. :)

Working Mother's Remorse, Part One

I wrote this one the first day of school and never published it. I decided to do so today. Enjoy.

Today I did something I have never done before. I was a stay at home mom. Okay, with the exception of about two hours when I was working in the middle of the day, I functioned as what I see as a stay at home mother. It was the first day of school for my new kindergartener and first grader and I got them up, got them ready, off to school (with some minor hiccups from the youngest, who wanted back in the house and was screaming) and I went home. I didn't go to work. I didn't go to an airport. I didn't do anything but go home. I almost didn't know what to do. It was glorious and it was sad at the same time.

I realized in that moment that my daughters are five and six years old and I have never been a classic "mom" to them. I felt today what so many working mother's feel, whether they are single or not - Working Mother's Remorse. I have capitalized that because I just decided it is an official diagnosis for me. I feel sad that I have not seen some of the first's that my mother has experienced with my daughters. I feel sad that my daughter's spent time in daycare. Although that was a great learning experience for them, I didn't want them to have to go through it. I wanted to teach them some of the things they learned there. I feel sad and a little bitter about the past. I can't change the past at all. For now, I have to support my children. I have to know they have what they need and that they will be able to go to college and they will have food, clothing, shelter and more than that - peace of mind and no worries.

I don't know what will happen in the future. I don't know what will come of the next few years, but I know life doesn't have repeat itself. I know that things can change in the blink of an eye and maybe by this time next year, I can be spending time doing more of the things that matter most to me. Fortunately, I love my job and am passionate about what I do, so it makes the time away worth it. I know that in this time of my life, I have to make some tough decisions, but I rely on God to guide me to the right path.

So today, when the nurse called me at 1:30 and my oldest daughter was sick and had to come home from school, I picked her up. ME. Not anyone else. Not my sister, mother and not even her father. ME. I had the privilege of bringing her home, giving her some TLC, helping her change clothes, making her comfy, putting on a movie and doing all of those things that I have wanted to do when it wasn't always me who could do it. When her sister was ready to get out of school, her father and I met her at the door (yes, the oldest was still in tow) and I was able to take her home, give her cookies after school and talk to her about her first day of school. Bottom line, I had the honor of just being their Mama today. I didn't have to be a Consultant. I didn't have to be a Controller. I was just a Mama. And it was one of the most wonderful days of my life.

When He Moves On...

On June 29th, my former husband will marry someone else. He told me a few weeks ago and for the record, I have his permission to post this picture of his proposal to said individual. I decided to post an entry about this event because this blog is about life and how it goes after one becomes a divorced single mom and this is what happens to you. One day, two (or however many) years (or months) after you divorce, your former husband talks to you outside his house and says, "I've asked ____ to marry me." And something happens inside you. I don't care who you are or how long it has been. Something will happen.

If you are me, you want to be happy for him. I mean - look at his face! He looks almost as happy as the day he proposed to me. Okay - I admit I deleted several sentences I had typed after that last comment. Delete, delete, delete. I do want to be happy for him. I want him to move on and be in a happy relationship. I want him to be happy because we have children. I want him to be in a happy, healthy household because that is where my kids will be half the time.

Oh, but my kids. My kids. My babies. They have expressed their opinions on his new "love" and how they view their relationship. They are too young to understand the relationship between them and their potential new "stepmom" and they have so many questions and AM I too bitter to answer them? I don't know. The bottom line is I can't change it and I can't control it. Trust me - I have prayed about it and God seems to have His own plan. There are factors here I will not write about because I still have respect for my former husband, but if I could change this, I would in a heartbeat. But I can't.

So, how do I really feel inside? I want to know what was wrong with me. And how could he choose her over me? Because that is how I feel. But he really didn't make that choice. He didn't even know her and it isn't her fault. My divorce wasn't her fault. It was his and mine. But I still have fallen into a depression that I can't seem to find my way out of and I just want to cry and yell and find out why my life seems so insignificant. And what does a __-year-old have that I don't?

It isn't really about that, though. It is about letting go. It is about prayer and learning to forgive. These are all so difficult for a divorced, single mom. I DON'T WANT TO BE A DIVORCED, SINGLE MOM. I want my dreams back. Perhaps, like I heard recently, it is time for new dreams.

What I Would Change

By far, one of the best, MOST INFORMATIVE, blog posts I have ever read is this one. I agree with about 99% of what Dan, single Dad to Noah, said on his blog posts about 16 ways he blew his marriage. I don't know Dan, but I think he is spot on. I mean, there are things I will change in my future relationships - NO DOUBT.

I want to find someone who feels the same way. Part of me wants to be with someone who has experienced divorce, as screwed up as that sounds. My friend (who is also divorced) and I talk about being damaged goods. Only someone who has been through what you have can know how that feels. Then again, with divorce comes a certain amount of baggage and heartache.

So, what are the things I would change if I marry or get into another serious relationship? I'm not sure exactly, but I do have a few ideas to start my list.

First, I don't think my former husband ever grasped that I did truly respect his place in our family. It is important to me, if I am to marry again, for my future spouse to understand I respect him. I have a strong personality, but I don't want to "wear the pants." I want someone who is ready to walk alongside me in our life together and not behind me. I want someone who will lead our family, but will take my thoughts and feelings into consideration.

Second, I want to make sure we pray together all the time. I wasn't diligent about this in my first marriage. I didn't make it a priority and therefore, I feel like I didn't make God a priority in OUR life. Maybe He was in mine, but not OURS. This has to change.

Third, I will passionately kiss him everyday. Self-explanatory. This includes the days when I absolutely cannot stand him, but I still love him with all my heart.

Fourth, I will do my best to take constructive criticism in a constructive way. I am NOT good at this. In fact, this is one of the hardest things for me. I will do my best to realize he is not trying to hurt me, but usually, he is trying to help me and I need to learn how to listen.

Which brings me to my last point...I will learn how to listen and not try to fix everything. I screwed up in so many ways (I think) by not letting my former husband vent and by always offering a solution when sometimes, he just needed to let it out and breathe. He needed a sounding board and I wasn't always that for him.

So, these are things I am working on and, if I get serious again, and if someone gets into my inner circle of trust, this is the start of my list. I can only hope he has a list, too.

What Once Was Lost Is Found

When my best friend and I went to California in October, I thought I left this necklace in a hotel room. It turns out I had a hole in one of my purse pockets and for the last four and a half months, my beloved necklace has been floating around between the lining and the main fabric of my purse. I cried when I thought it was gone. And I am tearing up now. You see, this necklace is so precious to me. The music notes were given to me as a gift for being the music director of a children's musical at church and the treble clef was given to me by my former husband when we were dating. I wore it just about everyday for almost fourteen years, when it was replaced with a necklace given to me by my best friend. I know it is just an object. My girls' Dad gave me a new similar necklace from them for Christmas, which was all I asked for, however, it just wasn't the same.

When I pulled this necklace from my purse yesterday, a flood of memories and emotions came back to me that frankly, I didn't want. I'm supposed to be past this, right? I'm supposed to not feel anything. I don't want to feel anything. I don't want to mourn for what has been lost anymore. I want to be numb to what has happened and I want to move on with my life. He has. Why can't I? Why am I stuck? I found myself sobbing in the shower this morning. Doubting myself and wondering what is wrong with me. I don't want to be that person. I want to be someone my children can love and respect and know I did the best I could for them. That I loved them and was a good Christian mom. At least the best I could be. I want to be a woman that has learned from her mistakes and has something to offer. And I want to be a woman who is not afraid to be alone. I am not afraid to be alone. I felt fine with things yesterday morning and this threw me off balance. This is the struggle of a divorced woman.

I don't know where this blog is going, except to say that I am wearing my necklace now and trying to push through the emotion surrounding it. It doesn't matter where I turn, there are reminders of what is lost. Especially the almost daily reminder of seeing him and not being able to share the same relationship with him as I did. Yes, we are friends, but it is different. That will remain lost.

Let's Talk About Ex (Baby)

I loathe the term "ex-husband," although I use it on occasion. It has such a negative vibe to me. I prefer my "kids' dad" or "former spouse." In a moment of hilarity, I may refer to him as my "baby daddy." The thought occurred to me yesterday that my last post could very well have been taken as bashing my former husband. I really did not intend it that way. I want to make sure everyone knows that I believe he prayed for our marriage to work as well. I can't explain what happened or the "why" of it all and honestly, I don't have to, but I want to say that this is not a platform to hurt my former husband. In fact, I consider myself blessed in an odd sort of way. He could be a jerk about all of this, even though there isn't "fault." Or at least the kind of fault some of you may want to see. I watch the horrible things people do to each other in divorce and I realize how lucky I am.

What a crazy statement!! Lucky? No way. I lost everything around me that I felt was safe and secure. I said somewhere on this blog (the full site version) that I am struggling to find my place. Honestly - I struggle sometimes to find my God. I struggle to see what is good and right in this world when all I have felt at times is sadness. But...

I forget to look. I have friends who love me for me. I have a home, a job (or two!), a car and clothes. I have running water and running shoes. I don't run in them, but you get the point. God has provided, even in my darkest days.

I don't know why God didn't answer my prayers. Maybe He did. Maybe not. I don't know. I'm not Him. I'm sure some of you theologians will have an answer for me, but that isn't really what I am looking for. I'm also VERY sure some of you will say I didn't try hard enough and I didn't have enough faith. I know this because you have said it to my face or written it to me in a letter. I can't explain it, but I can start to count my blessings. One is my former spouse. We don't always have to 
agree, but I can appreciate the father he is to our children and that he loves them more than his life. 

So, I guess I need to be thankful for that and start there, because that is enough for now.

Eggshells

Listen people. If you have never been through a divorce where kids are involved, it is not roses. Even in the best of situations. I have a pretty good situation - I will admit. My ex-husband is a great dad and we have made a commitment to put our kids first. We are not always successful, but we try. That said, I still have to say goodbye to my kids half of the time. I still have to not be there when they go to sleep and when they wake up half of the time. I still have to hear stories about firsts that I missed because of a situation I could not fix. I could not fix it. I prayed and prayed. My friends prayed. My family prayed. I did everything within my power and it didn't happen. So, I am left to still be in this situation I could not control and now what?

I am still a single parent. I still deal with things on my own when my children are with me. I still want the things I dreamed of when I was married and I feel robbed. I feel robbed of the dreams you have when you say your vows and think that no matter what, you will work through the ups and downs and you will see your 15, 25 and 50 year wedding anniversaries. I feel robbed of the little moments like family meals and nighttime rituals. I feel robbed of the family vacations and the future grandbabies coming to Grandma and Grandpa Freeman's house. Because there will not be that for us. And I can't explain that to my 6-year-old who wants to know why. And I can't explain it to myself.

So I had this conversation with a friend of mine today. So many people run away from those of us who are divorced. Or they walk on eggshells around us, not knowing what to say or how to act. Well, no one wants to get a divorce. Divorce is painful and it is made more painful by judgmental people. If you have a friend going through this and you want advice on how to help, here it is:

1. Be their friend. Don't abandon them. It doesn't matter if you agree or disagree with their reasons. You are not the judge.

2. Understand that unless you have been there you DON'T understand. As long as you realize this, you will be a great friend.

3. If they have kids, don't forget they are a single parent and single parenting is tough sometimes. Don't look at the times they don't have their children as time off. It isn't. Most likely, they are thinking about the next moment they can hold their kiddos or they are thankful for a moment to rest...IF their former spouse is around. If they aren't, give that friend a break! Watch their kids for a couple of hours!

4. It doesn't matter how long they have been divorced...something may trigger a memory or an emotion. Just let it happen and let it be. I may be driving down the road and see something or hear a song that reminds me of something in our marriage and it makes me happy or sad. If my good friends are with me, they just let it be.

5. Continually pray for your friend to find peace and comfort.

There are more, but this is a start.