When He Moves On...

On June 29th, my former husband will marry someone else. He told me a few weeks ago and for the record, I have his permission to post this picture of his proposal to said individual. I decided to post an entry about this event because this blog is about life and how it goes after one becomes a divorced single mom and this is what happens to you. One day, two (or however many) years (or months) after you divorce, your former husband talks to you outside his house and says, "I've asked ____ to marry me." And something happens inside you. I don't care who you are or how long it has been. Something will happen.

If you are me, you want to be happy for him. I mean - look at his face! He looks almost as happy as the day he proposed to me. Okay - I admit I deleted several sentences I had typed after that last comment. Delete, delete, delete. I do want to be happy for him. I want him to move on and be in a happy relationship. I want him to be happy because we have children. I want him to be in a happy, healthy household because that is where my kids will be half the time.

Oh, but my kids. My kids. My babies. They have expressed their opinions on his new "love" and how they view their relationship. They are too young to understand the relationship between them and their potential new "stepmom" and they have so many questions and AM I too bitter to answer them? I don't know. The bottom line is I can't change it and I can't control it. Trust me - I have prayed about it and God seems to have His own plan. There are factors here I will not write about because I still have respect for my former husband, but if I could change this, I would in a heartbeat. But I can't.

So, how do I really feel inside? I want to know what was wrong with me. And how could he choose her over me? Because that is how I feel. But he really didn't make that choice. He didn't even know her and it isn't her fault. My divorce wasn't her fault. It was his and mine. But I still have fallen into a depression that I can't seem to find my way out of and I just want to cry and yell and find out why my life seems so insignificant. And what does a __-year-old have that I don't?

It isn't really about that, though. It is about letting go. It is about prayer and learning to forgive. These are all so difficult for a divorced, single mom. I DON'T WANT TO BE A DIVORCED, SINGLE MOM. I want my dreams back. Perhaps, like I heard recently, it is time for new dreams.