Health and Beauty

For those of you who read this and know I am dating someone, you may think I am off kilter, but hear me out.

Single moms go through a myriad of issues, one of which is dealing with health issues on their own. Even if they are dating someone, it isn't that same. That someone does not live with you and does not take care of your children all the time. They do not support you - you still have to make a living on your own and provide with a single family income. Life while you are dating, even if it seems to people on the outside that you "might as well be married," is NOT the same.

So, dealing with major health issues is difficult. It is difficult under the best circumstances, but when you are caring for yourself and small children, it is made more challenging. I have an auto-immune disease and my symptoms can be problematic, both with my occupation and with being a mom.

The last two years have been particularly difficult. After losing considerable weight and feeling better, I hit a wall. When I hit that wall, I suddenly started gaining my weight back and I began feeling my symptoms again. No one can figure it out and I can't seem to stop it from happening. It really hit home last week when I was showing a very close individual a picture of myself from a year ago and they said I looked "different." I look at myself in pictures and I feel down about how far I got and now it is all flying out the window because of something neither my doctors nor I can figure out.

But then it affects me being a mom, employee and friend the most. I feel lazy at times, but I just can't find enough energy to move. I have to ask my closest confidants for help, when that is the opposite of my nature. My kids see a side of me that no mother wants their children to see. My kids see weakness. They see vulnerability. I want them to see strength and that their mother is fully capable. I want them to see the mother I am in my brain - fun, ready to meet the day, etc.

What do I see when I look? Not me. I see BLAH. Just blah. And I want to scream. I just don't see the "me" that is in my brain. I see a modified version of me. It is like I am inside and my limitations won't let me out. I am on a quest. I have to find out what has caused the wall. I am going to shatter it one way or another and I am going to find happiness again. Right?!?!  Hopefully by the time I take pictures at Christmas. :)