Even When It Hurts

I have to believe Curtis would want me to keep praising, even when the grief is so overwhelming, I can hardly breathe. At times, I feel like I don't know what I believe. I have tried so hard to turn to my faith, but I am finding it more and more difficult. None of this makes sense. It doesn't make sense in my mind or my heart. So, I listen to this song. A song we listened to when he was alive. I would turn it on when something would happen and I was hurting. Honestly, it was usually after a fight or after something happened in our lives that felt impossible. I would blast it in the car or in the living room and sing it at the top of my lungs and at the time, I would raise my hands and praise God with all my heart, knowing He would bring us through whatever fire we were walking through. Curtis would sit there or stand there with me and just watch, feeling what I was feeling, but he wasn't the type to sing at the top of his lungs or raise his hands. Then, at the end of the song, there would be a moment of relief. It was never awkward or weird, just a single moment of silence. Curtis was amazing like that. Then, he would always say he loved me. He would wait for a moment and inevitably, he would say he didn't care for that one line in the song...the "hurts like hell" line, but he understood the sentiment.

Ironically, that is the line that speaks to me the most right now (sorry, Mom and Dad). This pain is so great, I can only equate it to something as great as living in hell. My life right now is a living nightmare. In the end, I imagine that Curtis would want me to continue singing God's praises and keep my eyes focused on Him. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. When I sing it right now, I feel alone. When I would sing it before, I felt like I knew God would bring us through the fire, but I don't have the confidence now. My faith has been shaken and when I cry out to God, I feel He doesn't answer.

The hardest thing one can do is sing God's praises, even when it hurts. I'm not sure I can do it anymore. I don't have the words, I don't have the strength. I am alone. I don't know that I have the faith. I desperately want to be that strong person who turned toward her faith and made it through, but I don't think I can make it through this.

But I will still play this song. I will still sing it. I will still raise my hands and I will still hope for my faith to return. I will still hope to live through this and if I don't, I will still hope to be accepted into the Father's arms.