Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Health and Beauty

For those of you who read this and know I am dating someone, you may think I am off kilter, but hear me out.

Single moms go through a myriad of issues, one of which is dealing with health issues on their own. Even if they are dating someone, it isn't that same. That someone does not live with you and does not take care of your children all the time. They do not support you - you still have to make a living on your own and provide with a single family income. Life while you are dating, even if it seems to people on the outside that you "might as well be married," is NOT the same.

So, dealing with major health issues is difficult. It is difficult under the best circumstances, but when you are caring for yourself and small children, it is made more challenging. I have an auto-immune disease and my symptoms can be problematic, both with my occupation and with being a mom.

The last two years have been particularly difficult. After losing considerable weight and feeling better, I hit a wall. When I hit that wall, I suddenly started gaining my weight back and I began feeling my symptoms again. No one can figure it out and I can't seem to stop it from happening. It really hit home last week when I was showing a very close individual a picture of myself from a year ago and they said I looked "different." I look at myself in pictures and I feel down about how far I got and now it is all flying out the window because of something neither my doctors nor I can figure out.

But then it affects me being a mom, employee and friend the most. I feel lazy at times, but I just can't find enough energy to move. I have to ask my closest confidants for help, when that is the opposite of my nature. My kids see a side of me that no mother wants their children to see. My kids see weakness. They see vulnerability. I want them to see strength and that their mother is fully capable. I want them to see the mother I am in my brain - fun, ready to meet the day, etc.

What do I see when I look? Not me. I see BLAH. Just blah. And I want to scream. I just don't see the "me" that is in my brain. I see a modified version of me. It is like I am inside and my limitations won't let me out. I am on a quest. I have to find out what has caused the wall. I am going to shatter it one way or another and I am going to find happiness again. Right?!?!  Hopefully by the time I take pictures at Christmas. :)

Friday, October 11, 2013

Working Mother's Remorse, Part One

I wrote this one the first day of school and never published it. I decided to do so today. Enjoy.

Today I did something I have never done before. I was a stay at home mom. Okay, with the exception of about two hours when I was working in the middle of the day, I functioned as what I see as a stay at home mother. It was the first day of school for my new kindergartener and first grader and I got them up, got them ready, off to school (with some minor hiccups from the youngest, who wanted back in the house and was screaming) and I went home. I didn't go to work. I didn't go to an airport. I didn't do anything but go home. I almost didn't know what to do. It was glorious and it was sad at the same time.

I realized in that moment that my daughters are five and six years old and I have never been a classic "mom" to them. I felt today what so many working mother's feel, whether they are single or not - Working Mother's Remorse. I have capitalized that because I just decided it is an official diagnosis for me. I feel sad that I have not seen some of the first's that my mother has experienced with my daughters. I feel sad that my daughter's spent time in daycare. Although that was a great learning experience for them, I didn't want them to have to go through it. I wanted to teach them some of the things they learned there. I feel sad and a little bitter about the past. I can't change the past at all. For now, I have to support my children. I have to know they have what they need and that they will be able to go to college and they will have food, clothing, shelter and more than that - peace of mind and no worries.

I don't know what will happen in the future. I don't know what will come of the next few years, but I know life doesn't have repeat itself. I know that things can change in the blink of an eye and maybe by this time next year, I can be spending time doing more of the things that matter most to me. Fortunately, I love my job and am passionate about what I do, so it makes the time away worth it. I know that in this time of my life, I have to make some tough decisions, but I rely on God to guide me to the right path.

So today, when the nurse called me at 1:30 and my oldest daughter was sick and had to come home from school, I picked her up. ME. Not anyone else. Not my sister, mother and not even her father. ME. I had the privilege of bringing her home, giving her some TLC, helping her change clothes, making her comfy, putting on a movie and doing all of those things that I have wanted to do when it wasn't always me who could do it. When her sister was ready to get out of school, her father and I met her at the door (yes, the oldest was still in tow) and I was able to take her home, give her cookies after school and talk to her about her first day of school. Bottom line, I had the honor of just being their Mama today. I didn't have to be a Consultant. I didn't have to be a Controller. I was just a Mama. And it was one of the most wonderful days of my life.