Let's Talk About Ex (Baby)

I loathe the term "ex-husband," although I use it on occasion. It has such a negative vibe to me. I prefer my "kids' dad" or "former spouse." In a moment of hilarity, I may refer to him as my "baby daddy." The thought occurred to me yesterday that my last post could very well have been taken as bashing my former husband. I really did not intend it that way. I want to make sure everyone knows that I believe he prayed for our marriage to work as well. I can't explain what happened or the "why" of it all and honestly, I don't have to, but I want to say that this is not a platform to hurt my former husband. In fact, I consider myself blessed in an odd sort of way. He could be a jerk about all of this, even though there isn't "fault." Or at least the kind of fault some of you may want to see. I watch the horrible things people do to each other in divorce and I realize how lucky I am.

What a crazy statement!! Lucky? No way. I lost everything around me that I felt was safe and secure. I said somewhere on this blog (the full site version) that I am struggling to find my place. Honestly - I struggle sometimes to find my God. I struggle to see what is good and right in this world when all I have felt at times is sadness. But...

I forget to look. I have friends who love me for me. I have a home, a job (or two!), a car and clothes. I have running water and running shoes. I don't run in them, but you get the point. God has provided, even in my darkest days.

I don't know why God didn't answer my prayers. Maybe He did. Maybe not. I don't know. I'm not Him. I'm sure some of you theologians will have an answer for me, but that isn't really what I am looking for. I'm also VERY sure some of you will say I didn't try hard enough and I didn't have enough faith. I know this because you have said it to my face or written it to me in a letter. I can't explain it, but I can start to count my blessings. One is my former spouse. We don't always have to 
agree, but I can appreciate the father he is to our children and that he loves them more than his life. 

So, I guess I need to be thankful for that and start there, because that is enough for now.