What Once Was Lost Is Found

When my best friend and I went to California in October, I thought I left this necklace in a hotel room. It turns out I had a hole in one of my purse pockets and for the last four and a half months, my beloved necklace has been floating around between the lining and the main fabric of my purse. I cried when I thought it was gone. And I am tearing up now. You see, this necklace is so precious to me. The music notes were given to me as a gift for being the music director of a children's musical at church and the treble clef was given to me by my former husband when we were dating. I wore it just about everyday for almost fourteen years, when it was replaced with a necklace given to me by my best friend. I know it is just an object. My girls' Dad gave me a new similar necklace from them for Christmas, which was all I asked for, however, it just wasn't the same.

When I pulled this necklace from my purse yesterday, a flood of memories and emotions came back to me that frankly, I didn't want. I'm supposed to be past this, right? I'm supposed to not feel anything. I don't want to feel anything. I don't want to mourn for what has been lost anymore. I want to be numb to what has happened and I want to move on with my life. He has. Why can't I? Why am I stuck? I found myself sobbing in the shower this morning. Doubting myself and wondering what is wrong with me. I don't want to be that person. I want to be someone my children can love and respect and know I did the best I could for them. That I loved them and was a good Christian mom. At least the best I could be. I want to be a woman that has learned from her mistakes and has something to offer. And I want to be a woman who is not afraid to be alone. I am not afraid to be alone. I felt fine with things yesterday morning and this threw me off balance. This is the struggle of a divorced woman.

I don't know where this blog is going, except to say that I am wearing my necklace now and trying to push through the emotion surrounding it. It doesn't matter where I turn, there are reminders of what is lost. Especially the almost daily reminder of seeing him and not being able to share the same relationship with him as I did. Yes, we are friends, but it is different. That will remain lost.