Curtis has died. The man I envisioned spending the next 50 years with has passed away. My best friend. The man I love. I sit here staring at those words and can't accept it - two weeks later. The world continues to spin around me and my world has stopped. Perhaps he is on a trip or just can't get to the phone. I can hardly sleep. I hate falling asleep because every time I wake up, for a split second, I think this is all a dream and I think I can call him and things are right with the world again. That's just it. Things are NOT right with the world. I can't call him. I will never hear his voice again. I will never feel his touch again. He's gone.
To preface what happened (and this is all knowledge Curtis made public), Curtis had been going through some health issues related to a concussion he suffered in November. He never really recovered from it fully. We knew he still had some swelling in his brain and he had some complications the Monday preceding his death. We were all extremely concerned. I think he was frustrated and struggled to find relief from the ongoing complications and pain he was experiencing.
He died on a Thursday. Thursday, January 26th, to be exact. That morning, I had a hard time with getting my daughter to school. It was our normal routine to talk to each other every morning. That generally consisted of him telling me it was going to be okay and me telling him we would find a way to get him relief from the pain he was feeling. I tried calling, but he didn't answer. I thought it was strange. My gut told me to go over to his house and check on him. I had a moment to make a decision - turn right to go to his house or go straight on the street to mine. I felt strongly to go to his house, but I just didn't. I don't know why. That is a decision I will forever regret. I feel he was still alive then, just sleeping, with his phone turned off. Had I just gone over, I would have woken him up. This would have not happened.
I tried calling several times that morning between 7:30 am (my first call) and 11:00 am. I had to work at 9:00 am, so it wasn't possible for me to go over after that time. I finally got really worried and texted his mom just after 11:00 am to check on him. She didn't receive my text, but I believe had checked on him of her own accord around 10:30 am. Although she didn't touch him, he appeared to be asleep.
My day went on, but I still attempted to call. At 3:00 pm, I went to the doctor. At 3:07 pm, his mother tried to call me, but my phone was silent and I didn't see the call. Apparently, she had just checked on Curtis in his room and found he had passed away. About 30 seconds after his mother called me, his brother sent me a text to call immediately. I knew. I knew before I called back that Curtis was gone. As soon as I received the text message, I immediately left in the middle of my appointment and called his brother. My life changed forever. I frantically drove from downtown Fort Worth to Curtis' house. I was on the phone with PB the whole time, I think. I was frantic. I was scream-crying. I don't remember what I said. I don't remember driving. I wanted to get there and it be some sort of horrible joke. It wasn't.
His mother and brother were there when I arrived. There were two police officers. More family started to arrive. Everything happened so fast. My mind was racing. So many thoughts. So much to take care of. He and I had talked about our funerals, but this was too soon. All too soon. We are supposed to be old and gray. I knew his family was taking care of his daughters, but I love his daughters like my own and my thoughts immediately turned toward them. His youngest - she needed to get there from Dallas. Who was picking her up? His middle daughter - she's in the Navy. We need to get the ball rolling to get her there. His oldest - she's in college and driving up by herself. Dear Lord, let them all be safe. Then, there's my daughters. How on earth will I tell them? Curtis was not just a friend to them. He was like a stepfather to them. They are so young. They are so close to him. How do I protect their hearts from this? I can't. Then, there is everyone else. His mother and father, brother, sister, niece, nephews, everyone. So much grief.
Then, there's me. In that moment, standing in the middle of the house, I knew a piece of me had died with Curtis. To say my heart was shattered is an understatement. I felt a sense of loss so great, it was and is unbearable. I feel, in many ways, the same today (two weeks later) as I did the moment I was told he had passed away.
In the weeks following his death, his family has treated me like family, which is what I think he would have wanted. We have grieved together and they have graciously allowed me to participate in the planning of events surrounding his funeral and burial. I think this has greatly helped my grieving process. For today, I am hurting in the worst way. This grief is a pain I had never imagined possible. These last 14 days have been the absolute worst of my entire life. Lord, come quickly.
There is so much I want to say. More I want to say about my kids and their processing of the news. More I want to say about how I feel. I will conclude here for now. I am adding a picture of Curtis and me on a Sunday afternoon date in Sundance Square in downtown Fort Worth. This was in the summer of 2016. We had eaten brunch right after 9:00 am service at the Cheesecake Factory. He had his favorite dish there - Crab Hash. We then went and played Pokemon Go (because we are nerds). This was a great day and full of memories I will cherish forever.
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